CW: harassment, stalking
Where to start?
Well what's the reason for this post? What inspired me now of all times to write about this subject?
I needed to write this post. In my professional and personal landscape of my communities I keep seeing the same dynamics. Recent events brought it to mind again.
I lay awake for hours last night as I realised just why some admin and other harassment campaigns brought out a protective instinct in me.
TLDR : An increasing escalation of abuse by a man because a woman enforced boundaries.
When I was 17 years old, I managed to acquire a 22 year old stalker. On and off he stalked me for about 2 years, from the age of 17 to 19.
How had I managed that? It's not like you go and pick up a stalker from the shops.
Well. It happened because I was a girl in a very geeky male majority environment. The world of tabletop RPGs. I'd got into it by accident a few years before with a group of boys I knew in Secondary School (High School). But for various reasons that group had to stop.
I missed it, so I got into another group of folk, who were outside school who also liked RPGs. Some liked live action, some like me liked tabletop.
This group was very different from my classmates at school. There had been a few odd incidents and behaviours, that being 17, geeky and odd, had not registered for me. Including some very close to the line stuff, that I didn't want and didn't know how to stop it.
Suffice to say, it was the 1990s, problematic behaviours were the norm. We grew up watching problematic 80s films of Romance and shenanigans. So if you are a guy and feeling uncomfortable or guilty about what came next. I don't blame you. There's a reason there's a CW on this.
I'm not aiming to make this post an attack on men. I am aiming for you to recognise when constant abusive behaviour happens to people online. I want you to understand the trauma that happens from it. I want you to recognise it, see it, and try to get the abusers to stop. If they don't stop, well that's what we have moderation tools for.
We all good now? Cool, cool.
I'd already been subject to a really odd pissing contest about me between 2 guys.
One of them had already been not just creepy, but physically creepy as well. I was disquieted by it and I spoke to the other guy about it because it had made me uncomfortable. I thought the person I was speaking to at this point was a friend.
We started our RPG group with an already screwed up dynamic, of this guy and a younger male friend of mine from school. I'd known that friend from Chess Club and he introduced me to this group. The game was Shadowrun.
Looking back, I should have got a clue, from the pissing contest. I should have got a clue from the fact this new "friend", used to joke that he'd become a dragon in 2020 and he wanted me to be his enchantress. I did my best to poo poo that.
Make it a joke, and maintain the friendship. The constant story that many of us have. Desperately trying to fend off the inevitable. Before we even knew what was going to happen.
Anyway, I wasn't interested and after the recent incident with one of the other boys in the group. I wanted to be very clear on this.
I wished to set this boundary.
So we did our campaign. It was fine.
Then it wasn't fine.
The triggering incident was the film Dragonheart coming to the cinema. I didn't want to see it. The dragon in the trailer looked crap, despite being voiced by Sean Connery. I wasn't going. My friend, (who I'm now going to refer to as my stalker) wanted to see it. He was going with my school friend and his girlfriend. He wanted me to go too.
For a few weeks the conversation was:
"We should all go to see Dragonheart!"
"No thanks, I'm not interested."
A few days later:
"Oh come on, please come!!"
"No I'm not interested in Fantasy. Besides, younger guy and his girl are going. No"
You get the idea. I was getting sick of this conversation. Especially as my younger school friend was also pushing for this.
I had my reasons for not going. I also knew that it was not a good idea, going to sit in a darkened room, with a couple and a guy. I knew he liked me in a way I couldn't reciprocate. I needed to maintain that boundary.
Again. I was 17 years old, and he was 22 years old.
Finally, it came to a head.
Another person in the TTRPG community was also a casual friend. He'd come by and we were chatting. He was also 17 years old. He was also trying to put the moves on me and I was about to maintain that boundary as well.
My school friend visited, to try to get me to go to Dragonheart one more time, he had tickets. He didn't look happy to see the other boy on my couch. He left.
Then I got a really nasty phone call from my stalker.
He demanded to know if Couch boy was still there.
He then demanded that I go to the cinema with him to see Dragonheart.
Oh and I should get rid of Couch boy and never see Couch boy again.
I was getting rather fed up of this. His tone was very angry. I was disquieted by his tone of voice. I did not appreciate his efforts to control me. To tell me what to do.
I was 17, he was 22.
I told him to never call me again.
I came off the phone shaking. Couch boy saw this and immediately backed off from coming on to me and spent the rest of the afternoon cheering me up. On the rare occasions I see Couch Boy years later, we still catch up and consider each other friends. He never tried it on with me again.
Note the difference there. He respected my boundaries.
The next day, the younger school friend came by again. Yet again to ask me to go to see Dragonheart. He also demanded on behalf of the stalker to know how long Couch boy had been there. What happened with him.
Why wouldn't I just go to the cinema?
At this point I was becoming rather angry. I did not understand what was going on. But I was getting rather annoyed about it. So I responded.
I didn't want to go to the cinema. Especially as this would be a de-facto double date. Which I didn't want to do. Also what happened with Couch boy was NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!
Cue this breathtaking piece of misogyny "You were unconsciously leading Stalker on."
I have a temper. But it tends to be a very cold anger. Ice coated my voice as I said "Close the door behind you when you leave."
So at this point we have the start of the counter example.
It's no longer about the film. It's about control.
My stalker is possessive of my attention and at this point in time, my stalker is starting on the path of over 2 years of stalking me.
I had the temerity to say no. To keep saying no.
I also have male friends that aren't him. I've been objectified. It's no longer about me. It's about him. Why won't I go out with him? I'm his.
I didn't realise at this point in time that my younger friend was going to be "bros before hos" about this. I didn't realise just how much he'd become an enabler of this.
I didn't realise just how he'd betray 4 years of friendship to be an accomplice to my stalking.
Very soon after that incident, I came home from school one day to find my stalker outside my house. Fortunately I spotted him in time and went up a side street before he saw me. I then went straight to my best friends house.
Scared out of my mind.
The location of my friends house was fortunate, it was straight across from the bus stop where my stalker would get on the bus to go home.
My stalker did not know this. So for an hour and a half we hid behind the net curtains watching the bus stop and we waited until he got on that bus so that I could go home.
At home I found out just how bad the situation had been. He'd turned up outside the house at 13:45. My Father had been about to go out and do errands. My Father didn't dare to leave, in case something happened to me. He'd watched as he saw me spot my stalker and half inch it up the side road. He then watched as my stalker stayed outside the house, then when my stalker decided to leave, he walked back down the road, looking up every side street to see if I was hiding there. He took his time to check.
Again, and I feel this cannot be stated enough. I was 17 years old, my stalker was 22 years old. He was unemployed and had income from being a carer. He had free time. Which he used to hang outside the school gates to try to talk to me alone.
For several weeks I would walk past arm in arm with my best friend. Terrified, heart rate up. Last year I read my diaries from that time, wondering if I was just being over dramatic. Yeah. If anything I've toned it down. I'd detailed it, right down to hand drawn maps explaining where he was and where I was. I'd logged it in more detail than I'd realised.
I logged my anger, my fear and my pain. I logged my analysis of the situation. Trying to work out if I had led him on. Had I? How? I read my previous entries from months before.
I could find nothing. I logged how angry I was about this. I wanted him to stop.
In addition to this campaign of a few weeks, I also had my betrayer's girlfriend come to my house. I didn't let her in. I remember standing on the steps of my front garden. Her standing on the street as she repeated my stalker's and her boyfriend's (the betrayer) words to me.
"He just want's to talk to you."
"If he doesn't stop I'm going to report him to the police. Please tell him to stop."
So it stopped for a short while, until the summer holidays.
I was on the phone to a relative when I heard someone come to the door. I recognised his shape. I carefully hid while whispering to the relative to stay on the phone, but I needed to be quiet. Meantime he knocked, and then looked though our mailbox flap to see if I was there.
Again my heart rate increased. I sat quietly on the stairs out of the direct view of the front door. I was terrified he'd get in.
I got silent phone calls. Not everyday, but often enough that my Father had to answer the phone for me. 25 years later and I still don't answer the phone from an unknown number.
I'd stated my boundaries. I'd stated quite strongly to my stalker, my former friend and that friends girlfriend to leave me alone.
This wasn't a case of girls being shy, or not wanting to hurt a guy. I enforced my boundaries and he escalated.
I went to university in my city. He managed to figure out where my campus was. My stalker and my betrayer, hung around outside the entrance. I started to never leave the campus alone. Every time I saw them, my stalker and his enabler, my betrayer; I felt a mixture of terror and anger.
Anger at my stalker, for not respecting my boundaries. Anger at my betrayer, for helping that stalker to stalk me. Anger at myself, for ending up in this situation and being terrified.
I'd mentioned to my Father about seeing them. In the Winter, My Father started meeting me to go to the library, "I was going to put these books back, wanna come?"
It gets dark up North very quickly in the Winter. There were a lot of poorly lit alleyways between Campus and home. I felt safer, plus I like books and they weren't there. Plus my Father's awesome company.
It wasn't until a decade later my Father admitted to me, he walked to my campus (2 miles away) to see if my stalker turned up. Every time my Father came to my campus, my stalker was there. He'd stay there outside my campus door until he and my betrayer spotted my Father. My Father desperately wanted my confidence to be good. To not be affected. He wanted me to get the maximum I could out of university and the friends I made.
I went on night's out and lived my life and took risks, in sheer defiance of my stalker. I was so angry, at him and angry with my own fear.
I fenced. I got a Full blue for fencing. I'd walk down the street. But I was fortunate, my stalker had to be home before 6. We'd still get the odd silent phone call. But he had affected me. My Father remembered when I bought a slightly larger pair of docs.
"I'll wear thicker socks, it'll be better for kicking a guys shins and then running."
It finally stopped when I was away on industrial placement for a year. I was still working in the city, but 9 to 5 meant he didn't see me. In the years after that I'd still occasionally get a silent phone call, so it reinforced my fear of answering calls on the landline.
He was one of the few people who had it. It was ALWAYS him. But at least I no longer saw him outside my house, or outside my uni campus.
I got off lightly. I was also protected by friends and family.
Many women don't, many men who are stalked don't. Many marginalised folk on here are doxxed and harassed.
There was escalation. All because I didn't want to go and see Dragonheart. All I did, was think I was friends with a guy, and enforced a boundary.
If you are a guy, and you are feeling guilty because perhaps you recognise some of the initial behaviour. I want you to continue on this journey. Try to grow that empathy a bit more. Yes, it's hard and painful. The guilt sucks.
For one thing you may well have been Couch guy. He realised and backed off. There's a difference between that and a campaign of stalking for 2 years.
I don't want your penance. If you also started on that journey, the person you harassed doesn't want it either.
No really.
Leave them alone.
You aren't entitled to my forgiveness or theirs.
I want you to teach the other folks around you that this escalation of behaviour and harassment happened because we enforced our boundaries.
I want you to see online harassment beyond "main character drama", "mini Elons" and "Fedi fiefdoms!"
I want you to understand that this harassment keeps happening, because some Fedi admins spoke to their communities. They enforced a boundary. They enforced moderation.
The harassment continues on from "Drama to drama" escalated by some well meaning people. Who naturally trust their mods, because sometimes those mods have kept them safe.
Because they only know one side of the story. The harassment keeps happening because those admins enforced their moderation rules.
They have rigorous codes of conducts and enforce them. They do this to protect their communities. To keep those folks safe. Sometimes they will make mistakes. But those communities are filled with folk who made the choice to be on those instances. Because they weren't protected elsewhere.
They needed the boundaries to shelter behind. They needed those boundaries, because sometimes they have stalkers who don't respect boundaries either.
I want you to understand that the harassment will keep happening because those admins care about their communities and enforce a boundary for the good of those communities.
I want you to recognise the escalation.
I want you to see the harassment and the recruitment of others to be their accomplices.
I certainly don't want you to trust those accomplices with your mental health when you're being harassed.
I want you to see it when the "Dramas" online and in our physical FOSS communities escalate in harassment because someone said no.
I want you to help enforce those boundaries. Not join in the harassment. Not excuse their lies or buy into "it was just a shitpost bro!"
Recognise it.
When I enforce my own boundaries. Please respect them.
Don't be like my stalker.